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An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

From the best of CraigsList:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT?" I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

From the best of CraigsList:
10 reasons why you shouldn't take shrooms & wear adult diapers.
I've tried shrooms once before. My experience was a memorable one, to say the least. I saw crazy colors, couldn't understand a thing that anybody said, and thought that I peed on myself twice that night. Which is what leads me to my next story. One night, long long ago (eh, maybe like 2 months ago) my friends and I got ahold of some shrooms. I will use our "diaper" names to protect the innocent. My name is Pampers, and my friends are Luvs and Huggies. Luvs and Huggies had never done shrooms and have only heard about my crazy experience. I warned them about everything, but also told them that I thought I pissed my pants, and made sure that they knew not to pee on my expensive furniture. Luvs is notorious for having a weak bladder. So Huggies and I (aka Pampers) decided it would be in our best interest to go to the local Longs Drugs and buy some god forsaken Depends Adult Garments... aka DIAPERS, bitch. We weren't sure that Luvs would be down to wear a diaper, but after a lot of trickery and promises of never telling a soul, we got her to strap a bitch on. Here are MY top 10 reasons why you should NOT wear an ADULT DIAPER in your MID 20's unless you are bed confined and can't get to the bathroom yourself.
10- It's fucking retarded. We didn't realize this until after they were already on our ripe little bottoms. We really thought that we had the BEST IDEA EVER (if you accidentally piss yourself, at least it's in a damn diaper, right??) and we ran with it. Now we have a secret that we can't let out, for fear of being tormented by our peers forever.
9- Diapers are uncomfortable. We know this, so trust us. I don't know how babies can wear them, but they make you fucking sweat, you get all hot... I'm surprised we didn't end the night with diaper rash.
8- They are fucking noisy! How the hell can old people sport these things in public without their spot gettin blown by all the crinkling going on in their pants??! The sounds were enough of a reminder of the DUMBEST THING WE EVER DID, let alone the vaginal sweating.
7- They ruin friendships. After we decided to take the diapers off, somebody threw one of the "used" ones into the front lawn. We got into a fat ass fight over the stray diaper because nobody wanted to pick the damn thing up. I knew I wasn't gonna pick it up, because I had no idea who's vagina it had touched.
6- The damn diapers are so hard to put on! I had to have Huggies strap mine on, because I was too stupid to figure that shit out myself. Just know that the diapers don't come with an instruction manual, and they might out smart you... with all those sticky tabs and such.
5- You loose all respect for yourself (and others). There was one person in the house who didn't wear a diaper that night. He was the only one out of the whole bunch actually THINKING, and now he has lost all respect for the 3 of us.
4- BLACK MAIL IS A BITCH. That's all I can say.
3- You really don't pee on yourself while shroomin. At least we didn't. We wore those diapers in SHAME for like an hour, before we realized that we were STILL getting up and going to the BATHROOM like normal adults. We never peed on ourselves. We almost all wish we had pissed our pants, just to say it was worth it.
2- Now we can't stop talking about it. It's always a topic of conversation and it never gets old. We are in the process of writing poetry to express our emotions about the whole situation. Since we can't really talk about it with friends, poetry is our only outlet. And now, so is Craigslist.
1- Did I mention how STUPID we feel? Because we really do. We wore diapers, we have labeled ourselves the Diaper Trio or DT for short, and have remixed the words to GNR's Sweet Child Of Mine to Sweet Diaper Remains.
We found little bits and pieces of diaper in my front lawn for days after... we call them the Diaper Crumbs or---the remains. We will never forget you, remains. RIP.