Jokes Page 5

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The Government is looking to hire a new assassin, someone who can kill anyone for any reason. They go through a interview process with many applicants and finally narrow it down to three individuals, two men and one woman. They bring in the first man and tell him what they are looking for. The man tells them that he thinks he can handle it so they slide a gun across the table and tell him, your wife is in the next room, go and kill her. The man says that he cant do it so they bring in the next man and they tell him the exact same thing. This man picks up the gun and walks into the next room, only to return a few seconds later and tells him that he just cant do it. They tell him that its ok, but he just wasn't what they were looking for. A little discouraged they bring in the last applicant. They tell the woman the same thing and slide a gun across the table. The woman takes the gun and quickly disappears into the next room. The interviewers had their doubts but were surprised to hear two gun shots. The gun shots were followed by what seemed to be a struggle, followed by two or three blunt slams. The woman returns to the room where the interviewers are confused by the noises. What happened in there? they ask. THe woman calmly replies........... that damn gun you gave me had blanks in it, so I had to beat him to death with the fucking chair.

I called my boss to tell him I was sick and wasn't coming in to work. He asked what was wrong. I Told him I had anal-glaucoma.That sounds serious what is that. Well i just can't see my ass coming to work today.

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but
then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband’s cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky
handwriting were the words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper’s Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!" The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it." The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

A chinese guy calls his boss one morning and tells him he's not feeling well, and won’t be coming to work that day. The boss tells him that when he feels sick, he has sex with his wife. Later that day, the chinese man walks into work. "Your looking better" says the boss. "Yes, I did what you said you did when you felt sick" said the chinese man. "Oh, and by the way, nice house!"

There once was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One day her mum sent her to Grandma’s house with a picnic basket because Grandma was sick. She got firm instructions not to leave the footpath and go straight to Grandma’s house because of the Big Bad Wolf. Halfway to Grandma’s house she saw the prettiest flowers about 20 yards off the footpath and she decided to go pick them. Just as she bent down to pick them she saw the Big Bad Wolf behind the bush. His eyes were as big as basketball balls. She said:’ Wolf, why are your eyes so big?’ The Big Bad Wolf said: " Get the fuck away, can’t you see I’m taking a shit!!"

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."