Jokes Page 3

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A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket. A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket. A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on. Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?" "I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

President Bush was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word " tragedy ". So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a " tragedy ". One little boy stood up and offered: " If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy. " "No," said Bush " that would be an accident. " A little girl raised her hand: " If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy." " I'm afraid not, " explained the president. " That's what we would call a great loss. " The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room. " Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy? " Finally at the back of the room a small boy (Lil Joshua) raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: " If Air Force One carrying you and Mrs.Bush was struck by a " friendly fire " missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. " Fantastic! " exclaimed Bush. " That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?" " Well, " says Lil Joshua, " It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either. "