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A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car kissing?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

Malcolm was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Malcolm decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the doted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Malcolm asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Malcolm got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Malcolm again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Malcolm was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Malcolm was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" "That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." "Thank you!" the woman responded. The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots. Immediately, the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

The 10 last things a woman would say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

If It's For Me, I'm Not In
Zach Williams, 18, was robbed in Chattanooga, Tenn. He tried to run away and was shot to death. One of the things the robbers stole: his pager. Police, upon learning about the beeper, figured "why not?" and sent it a page. When the murderers returned the cops' call, it was traced to George Morgan, 19, and his cousin Antonio Morgan, 18, who were arrested and charged with murder.

Get Your Goat
Joshua Nkomo, the vice president of Zimbabwe, is rearing more than 100 goats at his official residence. Neighbors have complained, saying it's against city regulations. Meanwhile, police in Brasilia are investigating the death of a goat running for mayor of Pilar -- where it had been leading in the polls. The animal's political supporters have suggested that "Frederico" was assassinated by a political rival. "He had a lot of foam in his mouth," his owner said. (Reuters) ...Foaming at the mouth? Typical politician.

With This Ring I Me Wed
Janet Downes thinks she has found the secret for a happy marriage: she's marrying herself on her fortieth birthday. The Bellevue, Neb., woman says the wedding ceremony celebrates that she is "happy with herself," and plans to exchange vows with herself in the mirror. The ceremony will include a wedding gown, flowers, a traditional cake, and a choir. (Reuters) ...She also apparently had a hand in planning her wedding night.